i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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