You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
