My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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