Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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