last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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