goodnight i made you a song goodbye
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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