Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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