my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
