hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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