I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
did i just pee glitter
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