I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
