if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
