I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's blow job season.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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