I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize