Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
