Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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