Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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