So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
