speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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