I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
