you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
