My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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