It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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