i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
