Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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