If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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