you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
