You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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