There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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