If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
