Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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