My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
