everyone is single if you try hard enough
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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