if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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