I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
