remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
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