Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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