dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
