Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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