i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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