the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
