Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
