I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
