I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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