i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
