I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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