The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
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