wrigley field is MILF paradise
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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