well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So much rum. So many feels.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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