I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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