My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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