found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
cat food counts as protein by the way
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
