White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
