Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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