I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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