I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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