NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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