We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
