babies were throwing up all over the place
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
